Mind Secrets
by Cabaret Amour
Summary: When Alice realizes her true feelings during Bella's birthday party, she comes to the conclusion she has to leave. She cannot risk her family finding out her secrets. Especially not Edward. *Follows Bella's birthday party in New Moon* PLEASE R&R!
1. Prologue

**Title: **Mind Secrets

**Pairing: **E/A

**Summary: **When Alice comes to realize her true feelings, she feels she needs to run. But where can she turn to when it's her family she needs to hide from, and her brother can read her mind?

**Setting: **After Bella's birthday party in new moon.

**Run Away**

_Dear Edward,_

_I like it here in Danali, but I miss home very much. I know I will come back when the time is right, but I hope everyone understands that I needed to figure some things out on my own. I'm writing to you because I knew I could trust you to keep everyone rational. Please tell Carlisle and Esme that I am alright. I miss them both and think of them often. Let Rose know her silver shoes are in the hallway closet. I had taken them for the party and forgot to return them. I'm sure that is the only thing she is worried about right now. Of course, hugs to Emmett. And please, please, Edward, you must tell Jazz that I am sorry I haven't called. Don't let him come out here yet. I'm not ready to see anyone._

_I guess the best way to put it is, I have been feeling trapped. There are just so many things I have been hiding for years, decades even. It was easy to suppress until this past year. And then that night, after the abrupt ending to the party, everything threatened to spill out of me. You see, I had to take off. There are things I can't even tell you. Things I especially can't tell you, actually. And I couldn't risk letting you hear them. This is something Jazz can't ever know. Even Carlisle would be disappointed in me, Edward. How can I stop what's in my head, though?_

_I took off yesterday in search for a mall. I was starting to get bored without any good shopping. Oh my god, Edward, it was huge! I picked you up a new jacket, honestly you're old one is getting a bit out of style. I even happened to find a couple cute skirts for Bella. Lord knows that girl has far too many pairs of jeans and sweatpants. Anyway, I will put everything in the mail tomorrow when I can get to a packaging store._

_Did you work things out with Jazz? You know he didn't mean to desire Bella. We all desire things that are out of our control. But I don't have to tell you that now, do I? Her blood has tempted us all. He's just young. I shouldn't have thrown the party to begin with, I guess. But I am glad she enjoyed her presents._

_I will let you go now, my dear brother._

_Love to everyone._

_The Other Freak,_

_Alice_

_

* * *

_

I refolded the letter and put it back in its envelope. We hadn't heard from Alice in over a week. Not since Bella's unsuccessful birthday party. She hadn't told us where she was going, or even why at the time. There was too much going on that day for anyone to really notice right away. I closed my eyes and tried to remember as much as I could about the last time I had seen my freakishly pixie-like sister...

* * *

_"Why are you so masochistic?"_ Bella had asked.

Carlisle decided to intercede. _"Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now."_

_"__Yes"_, Bella was agreeing, _"Go find Jasper."_

_"You might as well do something useful"_ Alice added.

They were ganging up on me. I nodded once and sprinted smoothly through the kitchen's back door. I hadn't taken a breath since she sliced her finger.

While still on the search for my brother, I kept Alice's thoughts in my head. I needed to know what was going on in that house. How Bella was doing. But all I could hear was my sister once again reciting the battle hym of the republic in as many different languages as she could think of. I had decided this was her way of keeping her mind off of the temptation. It hadn't occurred to me then that she was hiding something.

So I switched to read Carlisle. Now I could see the entire set up. Bella was sitting there in the chair as Carlisle tugged at her arm with the stitching. Her face was steady, no hint of pain. It was then that an apologetic smile accented Alice's lips and she disappeared out the kitchen doorway.

* * *

That was the last time any of had seen her.


	2. Come Home

The drawer made a loud screeching noise as I slowly pulled it open to find a pen. Bella was making dinner for Charlie, which gave me plenty of time to write Alice back before I was due to pick her up.

* * *

_Dear Alice,_

* * *

As I pressed the pen to the paper, I realized, I had no idea where to start.

Down the hall I could hear Carlisle shuffling through heaps of paperwork in his office. Downstairs it sounded as if the couch was preparing to buckle as Rosalie and Emmett were pretending to wrestle. Something they considered as foreplay. Esme, whistling to herself as she attempted baking cookies for the first time since her change. She had promised them to Charlie. The only two missing noises in this house full of vampires was Alice, obviously, and Jasper, whom had left to hunt. I hated to admit it, but I missed my "older" sister.

I scribbled over the only words I had written on the paper and started over...

* * *

_Dear Freak,_

_I'm glad you wrote. I haven't had the chance to tell anyone yet, though. I wanted to write you while I still had time. Bella is coming over tonight. I'm taking her to a movie. She hasn't been to one in awhile, I guess. Foolishly, I let her pick it out, too. Just my luck there's a new vampire one in theaters. At the very least I should get a good laugh, right? And who knows, it may just make for an interesting night when Bella realizes she's ridding home with a REAL vampire, after watching a million people die because of them on a movie screen. That's enough to make it worth it, I think._

_Sorry, I'm rambling._

_Carlisle and Esme are doing okay. They miss you. You do realize you took away the only non-vain daughter they had, right? Carlisle has actually been keeping himself really busy with his hospital work. He even works on records here at home. Like now, for instance. I've been trying very hard to give him his privacy. As for Esme, well, let's just say the entire house smells like burnt chocolate chips. It's one talented mother we have. I feel so bad for her._

_Rosalie and Emmett are for all intensive purposes, having sex with their clothing on. I'll tell her about her shoes.... maybe._

_As far as Jasper, well he's a mess. Of course he and I worked things out. Right after the party. That's when he went off in search of you. If it wasn't for the voice mail you had left on his phone that night, he would have come searching. None of us understood it, really. I mean how could you just up and leave a message that only said you were sorry and not to come looking? Alice, you know you can always come home. If it's privacy you're looking for, fine. I won't invade your mind. I just don't understand. What can be so huge that you can't tell me? What can be so bad that you fear Carlisle's reaction? I don't mean to insult you, but this is stupid. Our father has forgiven me for murder, there is nothing worse than that!_

_I'll deny this forever, but I miss you and want you home. It's not the same without you._

_Repeat that and I tear your head off myself._

_Please call._

_I love you freak._

_Ps- I won't wear the jacket._

_-Edward._

* * *

The opening of the drawer once again broke the silence. This time I was in search for an envelope. It took an entire 60 seconds of fumbling through the storage container to decide I had none. I was sure that Carlisle would.

_"Carlisle?"_ I paused at the doorway to his office, ashamed of having to interrupt whatever it was he was busy with.

_"Yes, Edward?"_ My father looked up from his desk, smiling. He was always the most welcoming man I had ever known.

_"Alice wrote."_

_"Did she? What did she have to say?"_ His thoughts we're actually screaming. Not nearly as calm as the voice he was keeping. He wanted to know where she was, and why she left. And who could blame him?

_"She's doing good. She sends her love. Wound up in Denali, and doesn't know when she will be back. She did say she was coming though. When the time was right, whatever that means."_

_"Did she say why she left?"_ He asked.

_"She said she was ashamed. Not in those exact words, but that's how I took it. She said there was something she couldn't tell me, that Jasper could never know. Then she said whatever it was would upset you, too."_

_"Upset me? I could never be upset with Alice. I don't understand."_ Carlisle was truly puzzled.

_"I don't either. But I wrote her back."_

_"Well, that is good. Please tell her I respect her wishes, but she's welcome home."_

_"I will. Carlisle, can I barrow an envelope?"_

_"Of course, son."_ he handed the envelope to me in one quick movement.

Now back at my desk I addressed it, flipping it over and writing in small letters with a dark black marker on the back flap

* * *

**_Carlisle respects your wishes but welcomes you home. Come home, Alice._**

**_

* * *

_**


	3. Distant Vibrations

_"Bella, I'm serious. We are not going to 'blood suckers 2' again." It was bad enough having to see it once, there was no way I was going to that movie again. "Don't you have enough in your day to day life to get your vampire fix?"_ you would have though witnessing mass amounts of vampiric murders would have put fear in the girl, but no, not my Bella, not in the slightest.

I realized as we walked to lunch I would have to explain Alice's absence. I was thankful now that Jasper was also gone, not because I disliked my brother, nor that I was mad at him. I was simply thankful for him giving me an excuse, an easy out. I would tell Bella that Jasper had left to work on his self-controll. I would tell her Alice was with him.

It was strange that I would lie to Bella, but I felt the need to protect my sister in every way I could. I knew she wouldn't like everyone knowing that she was running from whatever secret it was she held inside. Like Alice, I wanted to keep Bella thinking perfectly of her, and not concern herself with yet another issue. Even as human and emotion based as this issue seemed.

_"Ok, I haven't seen her since the party over a week ago, and normally during any type of school vacation she comes over, so, where's Alice?"_ Bella asked anxiously, looking around the cafeteria from one corner to the next.

She was right. For the past week I had been keeping Bella as busy as humanly possible. There had been a weeks break from school and I was hoping with all my might if I kept her distracted she would not notice the rest of my family being so scarce. And now here it was, Monday, the first school day since the "incident", and both my brother and sister were, for lack of better term, missing. I wasn't sure at how smoothly I would be able to lie if I looked up, and so I stared at whatever bar shaped food I was toying with in my hand. _"She's with Jasper."_

_"Is he okay?"_ She asked.

_"He's gone away for awhile."_ I was still eyeing the food I was crushing between my fingers.

_"What? Where?"_ It was foolish of me to think she would let it go.

I shrugged. _"Nowhere in particular."_

Alice was Bella's best friend, and now she was gone. I hoped not only for my family's sake, but also for the sanity of my girlfriend that I would be able to convince Alice to come home. She belonged home, she was a Cullen, and the Cullen's, for the time being, resided in Forks. End of story.

* * *

All of my thoughts and unanswered questions weighed down my mind throughout the remainder of my classes. I was thankful when the final bell actually rang, signaling the end of the school day. I was sure as I walked Bella to her truck that she was picking up on my distant mood. She had never before asked me if I would be over at night, at least not as nervously as she asked now. It was as if she expected me to say no. It was a given, I was there every night with very few exceptions. Admittedly I felt guilty, but there was just too much distraction. I would see her tonight and ease her mind. For now I needed to go home.

I hadn't so much as gotten the door shut to the car when the cellphone began to vibrate in my pocket. I kept it on me at all times. In a coven of vampires, you never knew what kind of emergency would come up. Someone finding out about us, needing to relocate. Cellphones were positively one of the more brighter innovations of this time.

The number was blocked.

_"Hello?"_ I answered, curious.

_"Edward!"_

I froze for a second, idling the car in the parking lot. It was Alice. In all honesty I hadn't expected her to call. In fact, it would have been more in her character to send yet another cryptic letter as a reply as to why she couldn't call.

_"Edward, are you there?"_ She probed. Her voice, even through this crackling cellular device, reminded me just how much I truly missed her.

_"Yeah, I'm here."_ I swallowed, reminding myself to breath and appear to look human on the off chance someone happened to peer in the window.

_"I got your letter. Thank you for writing back."_

_"Of course I wrote back, Alice. When are you coming home?"_

_She laughed. "Oh Edward, I told you I can't."_

_"I don't understand, and I know you want your privacy, but I thought we could tell each other anything."_ I would pull out the heavy artillery if I had to.

_"Not this. Not even you would understand if I confessed to you. Some trust, please, Edward?"_

_"You are the one without trust, not telling me, not thinking your family will support you"_ I scoffed.

_"If I tell you, you will think I'm a freak."_

_"I already think you're a freak. We're both freaks. That's our thing, Alice. You know that."_

_"And you know what I mean"_ she retorted.

_"What do you mean confess?"_ I asked, now trying my best to sound sympathetic.

_"You believe in this soul thing right..."_ she trailed off, fading into complete silence.

_"I do."_

_"Then I can't tell you. It's a... a sin."_

_"Who did you kill, Alice?"_ I joked

_"NOONE!" _Apparently, she didn't realize it was a joke.

_"I was kidding, Alice."_

_"Oh..." _She was beginning to sound as distant as I had to Bella. Distracted.

_"Please?"_ It was all I could manager, now out of complete desperation.

_"You remember the party..." _She was giving in.

"_How could I forget? It was the night that changed all of our lives. The night you left!"_

_"Yes. Bella got hurt, and you did everything in your power to protect her..."_

She wasn't finished but I interrupted anyway,_ "If this about me snapping at Jasper, we worked it out."_

_"Would you let me finish?"_

I was silent.

_"Thank you."_ she answered herself. _"You did everything in your power to protect her, and to comfort her. Even when you desire her more than anyone, even when you saw her blood, even when the aroma of it filled the room, you stood there. Guilt ridden like it was your fault. And I looked over at you, and I told you to make yourself useful, do you remember that part?"_

_"I do."_

_"But do you know why I said that?"_

_"To help me?"_

_"I said that because I couldn't stand to see you look so loving and angry at the same time, Edward."_

_"I'm not following..."_ I truly wasn't. She didn't like the way I was protecting Bella? She didn't like that I was angry with the situation? Why couldn't she just quit dancing around the point? Oh right, because she was Alice.

_"I realized, in the moment, that I... I love you, Edward Masen."_

That one took me off-guard. Why would she call me that? We had not used our original names since the change. We were Cullens. And of course she loved me, I loved her. She was my sister.

_"I love you, too?"_

_"No, Edward, I love you in the same way that..."_ I could hear her swallow,_ "that you love Bella."_

And in that second I heard the click of the phone on the other end snapping shut. She was gone.

* * *

**A/N: It would mean a lot if you left a review. I know there really wasn't a break from school in NM, but it was the only way I could make it fit together. I apologize. Also thank you to everyone who reads. And of course, this goes without saying, but I do not own twilight or it's characters. I do however own Robert Pattinson and Taylor Launter who happen to be tied up in my closet as I write this. Please don't tell the feds. Shh.**


	4. I don't want you

I had never thought my mind could race through so many thoughts at once. This wasn't something I had ever thought possible, or had ever thought of at all for that point. Alice, my sister, for all intensive purposes. The girl I had watched dance around the house in sing-song cheer literally 24 hours a day. The girl who mocked me and pushed every button I had for her own sheer satisfaction of getting a reaction out of being continuously right. And yet, she was the girl I now sat here in my car thinking about, half dazed. Almost... dazzled.

Forced now to confront every feeling I ever had for my own family, and my Bella, I turned down the street towards her home. I had driven around for a good few minutes, dropping off Bella's letter to her mother at the postal mailbox on the way before coming to my conclusion. Those few minutes alone seemed like hours with my mind racing at the speed it was. It was clear now what I had to do. I had to protect Bella, and Alice. And I had to do it the only way I knew how. A way that would probably hurt, not just her but the both of us, but if I didn't, I would be more of a monster than I already was. I wouldn't be true to myself, or anyone. I wasn't sure how I felt, if it was the same way Alice felt for me, but knowing the doubt was there, even the slightest fraction of possibility, I had to find out. I had to leave Forks, Washington. Visit with my sister.... no, visit with Alice. She could no longer be my sister.

* * *

I pulled in Charlie's parking spot and waited for Bella. I had no intention of staying long, and by the expression on Bella's face as she stepped out of the truck alerted me that she knew this. Guilt quickly overflowed my body. What was with these human emotions? Flooding through my venomous veins. I hated it. But as clear as my plans were, I had to stay strong. *Game face, Edward, game face.*

I took Bella's bag from her and shoved it back onto the seat.

"Come for a walk with me" I suggested, keeping my voice as unemotional as possible and taking her hand.

When she didn't answer I pulled her along towards the east side of the yard, where the forest encroached. I led her a few steps into the tree covered area before stopping. Not to far from the house, as to be sure she could find her way safely back when I left. And leave I would, as quickly as possible. I still loved this girl. With what I had previously thought was every inch of myself. But now, how could I be sure? *Be fair, Edward* I reminded myself. It was time to lay on the lies.

"Okay, let's talk," Bella broke the silence first. I took a deep breath. *You can do this, Edward.*

"Bella, we're leaving." OK so that was a lie, Carlisle and Esme would still be here in Forks, but I knew that wouldn't be for long once I left. I could convince them just as I had her. Jasper was already gone, and Rose along with Emmett were off to college as far as the outside world knew. I could keep this up. And get to Alice.

"Why now? Another year ---"

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." I kept my face as cold as possible. This was harder than I could have ever imagined. She was starting to get the idea.

"When you say we ---" she whispered.

"I mean my family and myself."

Bella shook her head back and forth mechanically, as if trying to clear the thoughts from her mind. I waited.

"Okay," she finally spoke, "I'll come with you."

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going... It's not the right place for you." My answer was automatic.

"Where you are is the right place for me."

"I'm no good for you, Bella". I wasn't lying then. How good could I be when I put her in danger? When I had second thoughts about our destiny together to begin with?

"Don't be ridiculous." She was begging. "You're the very best part of my life."

"My world is not for you," I said grimly. Trying to make my point.

"What happened with Jasper --- that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

"You're right," I agreed. "It was exactly what was to be expected."

This would go on for hours if I let it. Quickly I tried wrapping up our back and forth debate. Finally the words dawned on me. The words that would end this, and once again flood me with those useless human emotions... guilt.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."

The hurt in her eyes caught us both off guard. My only option now was to let her know I needed her to be safe, kiss her forehead, and be gone.

"Goodbye, Bella."

* * *

Although I had no use for breathing, I found myself taking in deep gasps of air as I settled back into the car. 'It had to be done' I reminded myself. The only sound that could be heard now was the roar of the engine as I sped away, heading for anywhere secluded to pull over. Bella would be okay. She was human, time healed all wounds for humans, emotional and otherwise.

I pulled to the curb and put the car in park before turning up the driveway. Fumbling in my pocket for my phone I realized, I, a stone cold vampire, was nervous. Carefully I dialed the only number I had for Alice. Hoping she would at the very least, check her messages.

"It's Alice, I'm not available, you know what to do..."

I took one more deep breath before the short beep.

"I need to talk to you... Mary-Alice..."

* * *

A/N: I'm very sorry it took so long and thank you all who reviewed, added this story to your alerts, and added it to your favorites list. I promise to update much sooner if we get more reviews! And of course, as always, I do not own Twilight, or New Moon, or any of the other series for that matter. The characters and novels are copyright the great Stephenie Meyer. I'm simply a fangirl trying to be a writer.


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